Deep-Seated Psychological Problems

so I was talking to Alex for a while, you know him he’s the young male editor tampaly, and anyway he sent out a bunch of messages to certain people “MSN. I’m dying. Literally”

I was one of the people. I told him I couldn’t come online because I was punished. That was a few days ago.

Anyway one of his friends messages me and says that he sent this message to a couple of people, and that no one has heard from him since and they’re concerned and trying to figure out what it could mean/worried about it.

I’m pissed if this is a joke. I’m pissed that they’re reacting the way they are over something that could be nothing. And I’m pissed if he’s actually done something that he might regret. I don’t have to strength in me to cajole someone ELSE from suicide - I just had to do it last night. It wasn’t fun. I stayed up till 3 in the morning on facebook via my phone talking to her. And now I find this out? I’m not happy. He’d better be alright. I’ve ditched him on msn before and I admit that- but sometimes I just don’t ~like~ to instant message people. I need my space. I need a certain privacy. And I’m worried that because of something so stupid he’s done something like this.

I just got a bullshit “you’re going to be an adult, you’ll have a girlfriend soon (loving the fact that they ignore my present one, btw) you don’t need to have Halloween things! You should spend your money on a watch, or a necklace, or new clothes!” 

Just- fuck you. I want what I want. I can buy things with MY OWN FUCKING MONEY, STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE K THANKS.

Watches are gaudy and out of style and necklaces? Yeah I’m PROB going to go around wearing a big golden crucifix- assholes. 

but I don’t give a fuck. If this was a facebook status people would post it to tumblr and reblog it saying how selfish I am but I don’t give a shit because I’m pissed off right now.

So I made a list of presents I wanted to get for my 16th birthday. The most expensive of which wasn’t even 100 bucks, I thought it was pretty reasonable of a list considering how some people have thousand dollar parties for their birthdays.

And I found out from my mother that I’m getting a grand total of two things on the list. A CD and ring. Thanks mom! Fuck you too! The reason? “No one wants to buy you these things, no one wants to get liquid latex and shit, that’s the kind of thing you go and buy yourself!” 

I said “Well I would but the problem is that I’m not allowed to buy things for myself”

and she’s all “No— you can’t spend your money on stupid shit like that.”

Fuck, I don’t give an ever loving fuck about what you WANT to buy, that’s what I WANT, ME, FOR MY BIRTHDAY. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU WANT. 

HOLY CHRIST. 

You fucking people! I can’t stand this bullshit! I was expecting to get the things I wanted, and now I’m not getting any of it? I don’t fucking understand, you could have told me weeks ago that you didn’t want to get this stuff. I would still have been pissed, but not nearly as annoyed as I am right now. Fuck you so fucking much. I’m not getting you shit for valentine’s day. 

WHY THE FUCK CAN’T I REMEMBER ANYTHING

JESUS GOOD LORD

I’m kinda pissed that I got a 40 on a math quiz lol but in my defense it was a surprise. I do feel really really stupid whenever this kind of thing happens, because I’m not used to those grades. It’s frustrating. A friend of mine is having some family troubles- I’m not that good of friends with him but I really want to be. We laugh all the time together and pass notes in class and stuff and only now is he opening up to me in emotional ways- and I really don’t want to fuck up because I like him a lot. Of course with me nothing can be that simple- I’m worried that he doesn’t like me/ thinks less of me than I do of him/etc. I scrutinize each interaction we have to the point where it has no meaning, yet I’m convinced he doesn’t even like me. It’s stupid and I understand that, I just wish my mind didn’t work that way.

My whole life has been an elaborate construction. A put on personality for teachers and for adults and for authority figures and counselors and it’s spread like a disease and I’m not even sure I know who ~I~ am anymore. I’ve had to be different people for my classmates, my friends, my close friends, my online friends, my teachers/employers and etc. I’m not sure which of these personalities contains the most truth about who I am- I think it’s when I’m online or with my best friend. But I’m not sure the others are entirely false. But I feel like when people like me, they don’t really like ME. They like the character I’m playing to them and if they found out who ~I~ was they would feel very differently. There are things I can’t tell anyone, or rather, have trouble telling everyone despite how accepting they are. It just feels wrong for me to unload to other people- I’m not one to talk about things if they really do bother me. I’m tired of keeping this act up, and there are times when I feel myself slip and people look at me like they don’t know me. AND THEY DON’T. And I’d like just one person who knew the real me. Even if I was that one person. 

I have them and I have them bad. I cringe when I see pictures of myself- literal cringing. And you’re probably like “oh lol, but you post them all the time?” And it’s true—- but the pictures that I post I’ve meticulously analyzed, after spending a long fucking time taking pictures and decided that they’re decent enough to post- for every one you see there are at least, and I guarantee you, fifteen that I decided not to post. 

Mirrors are not my friend, either. I hate seeing my own image, and if I could live my life without it I would. 

It stems a lot deeper than that though- it’s all about the inadequacy I feel on a daily basis. I’m not a good enough writer, student, editor, prop-maker, best friend, boyfriend, classmate, etc and this weighs on me as well as the fact that I think I’m fucking ugly but I mean there are times I feel attractive, and then there are times I feel like smashing mirrors and I’m not sure if it’s all an illusion and I’m really unattractive, or the other way around. 

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